What Life With Fibromyalgia Has Taught Me....

When people learn I have Fibromyalgia (Fibro) and how hard life has been living with it, I will often get a question or comment along the lines of, "Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like without Fibro?"

On the face of it, this really seems like a stupid question. Do I wonder what it would be like to not live with pain 24/7, to be able to more easily think and create, or freely do things as a normal person rather than wondering if I will collapse in exhaustion when returning home? Hmmm.. let me think about this...  YES! A thousand times, yes. Several times a day, and sometimes even more.

However, the flip side to this question is, "Have you learned to be content despite having Fibro?" Or really, "Have you made peace with the fact that your life will never be normal?"

Ouch.
Seriously... ouch.
And yet... hmm.... it makes me pause and think and wonder.

So, today, after a conversation with a friend on how we respond to life, I was listening to a song called Unstoppable by Sia as I drove several hours home. It talks in the chorus about being unstoppable and confident... at least on the outside. I don't know why this combination sparked a whole bunch of ideas about what I've learned about life, particularly as a result of having Fibro, but let me tell you, the brain cells were pinging. I just let those guys run their course when they are on a roll.

So... in no particular order... here's what I've learned....

1. Some things are universal to every person on earth. Love and pain are two of them. We all long for and experience love of some kind, and we all experience pain, whether it's physical, mental, or emotional. These are things we can connect to when we talk to anyone we encounter. This should allow us to treat everyone better as a result because under our obvious externals lies hearts that desire similar things.

2. Everyone protects themselves in different ways. Protecting ourselves is natural when we are hurting. Some withdraw into silence, some become more aggressive, and others lose themselves in various escapism's. This is natural and neither a good thing, nor a bad thing. It just is. However, we may find that our self protection actually hurts us in the end if we linger in it too long.

3. Love is never the wrong decision, and opening yourself up to love people is never wrong. When you are hurting it's easy... soooo easy... to withdraw and hide, but it is far, far braver to extend your arms to your loved ones and show that love. There may be a chance you are hurt, but the benefit of giving and receiving love far outweighs the hurt.

4. The world would be a better place if everyone responded to and treated those around us with care and compassion. I'm willing to bet everyone has experienced the reverse at least once in our lives. It's hurtful to be treated unkindly. When you are already hurting, to be treated roughly (whether verbal or physical or through indifference) and without compassion is like salt in a wound. Likewise those of us that hurt need to remember that not everyone understands what we have experienced, and that lack is not license to treat those around us poorly.

5. Insecurity is a state of mind. It really is. Often when we feel insecure it's because we are believing that we are not enough in some way. We aren't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, well enough, pretty/handsome enough.... it's really awful and can lead to terrible life choices and places if we let those feelings lead. The good news on this is that any state of mind and belief is changeable if we want it enough and take the time to change our thinking. True confidence begins there and works its way outward.

6. Life is not fair, nor is it meant to be. I have heard "this isn't fair" from many people in my life. I have spoken it myself. I had a Bible study at one point a few years ago where the speaker stated that life was not meant to be fair since sin entered the world, and that God is not a God of fairness, but of righteousness, justice, peace and a whole host of other things. Since then I have thought long and hard about that. It's natural to think things are not right. My body doesn't work as "normal," so by all rights that humans claim, this situation isn't fair. Well, it's really not, but as that lady said, neither was it meant to be. It's a result of this world not being perfect. It's a result of stress and disease and brokenness being introduced to it. So, while it's not fair and was never meant to be, neither does it need to be a horrible, mean existence. Which leads me to my next thought.

7. Everyone has agency. This also means that we always have choice. You are responsible for the choices you make, to act or not to act. When things happen to us, we have the choice as to how we respond. Remaining motionless and refusing to choose is actually still a choice. For this reason, you are only a victim if you choose to be. (But really, don't go that path. It's a wretched existence for yourself and those around you.) Instead, choose more.

8. Life is a choice. As we all have agency, we all have a choice, and none so much as to how we each decide to move through this world. When we're in pain it's easy to just survive. Sometimes it's all we can do. And yet, there are times when we have gotten so used to surviving that when the time comes that things could change, we forget that there are other options, either through habit, ignorance, or the weight of other's opinions. However, never forget that life is a choice. You can choose to merely survive or you can choose to live. You can choose to thrive.

And that, really is the culmination of what I have learned from having Fibro: I choose. I choose my attitude in how I greet the day at hand, I choose my actions towards others, and I choose whether to learn and grow stronger or wallow and grow weaker. My physical strength is separate from my strength of will, mind, and heart. While one may grow weaker, the rest can strengthen and pick up the difference.

Now, this all doesn't mean I have it all figured out. (Shhh! Stop those snickers, you...) There are times I forget all of this that I learned and just wallow in a pity party for myself. But, because I have learned all of this, I know I can't linger there and I pick myself up and keep going, putting one step in front of the other.
For my boys, for my husband, and for myself.

Life Is Pain

Yesterday I went outside to play with Connor on the playground and to walk around. It was one of the first times getting out together to play since it’s warmed up. 

Yeah, I know. 

We don’t go out much because I’m often in pain and exhausted due to having fibromyalgia. But Connor loves being outside and asks about it often. 

Now after a while of playing in the playground we realized bees were buzzing a little too much so we went for a walk instead.

There’s a rather steep hill towards the back of the property we headed towards as its part of the loop I like to take in walking. But this hill is pretty steep for me to do in my struggle with fibro. 

No, It doesn't look like this... I really wish it did!

We walked hand in hand. We approached the top of this hill just to where we can see the curve down when Connor asked, “Mommy, we run?”

I didn’t even have a chance to answer before he starts darting down this steeper hill to the bottom, still holding my hand. I wanted to make sure he stayed with me but I also wanted him to have fun, so instead of pulling him back I held his hand tight and ran down with him.

I’m telling you... the pain was awful. Every jolt of my body moving forward, every impact of my feet, radiated pain all through my body. My back ached, my feet whimpered, and my brain screamed “why are you putting me through this experience? I am in so much pain right now!”

I have no doubt my pain receptors were lighting up like a Christmas tree.

Did you know that those with fibromyalgia show a problem with the way pain stimuli are processed in the brain? 

It's almost like the brain doesn't know what to do with the stimulus so it registers as a greater pain than it might warrant in someone normal. What does this mean? Doctors are still figuring that out. 

But, what it means practically is that every sensation a person experiences, particularly when it comes to pain is worse in someone with fibro. 

Clap someone on the back and that pain might be a one or a two on the pain scale, and quickly dissipates. Clap someone with fibro on the back and it can register as high as a 5 or 6, and that pain dissipates very slowly. 

Any impact or pressure onto our bodies causes far more pain than someone without fibromyalgia. 

However, even knowing this I didn’t stop. 

And I would do it all over again. 

Are you wondering why? 

It's not because I'm a masochist. Far from it!

Here’s why....

When it comes to pain of any kind I’ve had to learn the difference between hurt and harm.

Hurt is temporary. You bump your knee and you bruise, but it eventually goes away.  

Harm is more permanent and causes lasting pain or changes things in a painful way. This could be due to injury, or abuse. 

So, while running down the hill with Connor caused me hurt, and lots of pain, with my body taking a little while to calm down to my normal pain levels... there was no lasting harm. 

Now, I don't like to feel pain. Who does? So, why would I run down the hill all over again, putting my body through all this pain?

Because of that little hand clutching mine, the joy on my son's face, and his excitement as he yelled halfway down the hill... "We flying, Mommy!"

There are no words to describe that moment. 

Recently I've realized that I can't shy away from life just because I will experience pain. 

I know pain will happen, and I will expect it.... 

I hear the words from Princess Bride in my head now.... "Life is pain, your highness! Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

It sounds rather cynical... but for those of us living with fibromyalgia it's very true. 

When anything and everything causes you pain, to shy away from pain means you aren't living. 

I'm completely serious... You just aren't living.

I've had a series of revelations recently and here is one of them.... 

I refuse to let my stuff keep my boys from experiencing life, and knowing everything they could experience because of my pain. 

I'm just stubborn like that... and I'm done with hiding away from life. 

Now, I still need to be careful. I am still exhausted all the time, and need to make sure I'm not over extending myself in what I can do each day. 

But a run down the hill? 

Come on Connor... let's go fly!

Strength From Within, Part 6 - Discover Who I Am

As I sat down to write this last year with the title, "Discover Who I Am", I had the hardest time writing. I hemmed and hawed and had writers block like nothing you would believe! I knew the last post needed to be about this topic, but it just wasn't coming. Eventually, I just set it aside because it wasn't working... and moved on to other things and forgot about it. Mostly. It was simmering in the back of my mind. 

But, now I can write it and share it, because I realized why it wasn't working... well, only after I addressed what was keeping it from working, as I will share below! So, almost a year overdue, here is my final post on my series Strength From Within....

In the first post I talk about how Dr. Oz stated that each person's body changes every 7 years on a cellular level, leaving each of us as an entirely new person. I talk about how I struggled in my new body with Fibromyalgia and what I now had to do when faced with my new body- learn how to deal with the changes and find myself all over again.

In the second post I explained about having to grieve my losses and let myself feel all the negative emotions so that my heart could have emotional freedom.

I know now that I am more than my losses- I have emotional freedom in knowing that though I have lost or have limited abilities now, I have not lost who I really am inside. I just need to adjust how I do things.

In the third post I described a process I went through in how I decided to do something scary and face my fears and not let them take over my life. This took courage, but it changed my life and let me teach my son Reilly about being brave like his name describes.

In the fourth post I walked through some of how I have had to re-calibrate my thinking in recognizing what I have gained through Fibromyalgia- not always an easy thing to do!

In the fifth post I share a little as to how I reaffirmed my faith. It was a process that took a number of years, but has resulted in a faith in God that is strong and purified.

Through all of these posts I mentioned strength from within. I realized through these difficult processes, and many smaller ones I haven't mentioned, that these were not just aspects of finding strength, but they were processes I went through that used and exercised inner strength that I didn't know I already had. 

I should also mention this post where I realized that my superpower was running and hiding (not ones you want to have!), that I have been lying to myself, and that I have been waiting for life to begin when I really am already living it. These things were huge for me to realize! 

So, as you may have noticed, I have been thinking a lot this year! A big part of the reason why is because I am just really feeling a LOT better since I started taking Plexus supplements! I talk about this more in this post. Because I am feeling better, my brain is actually working! It is working so well that I have been having lots of things that God is showing me needs to change, several epiphanies (some of which I have mentioned and will some more in this post), and see so many more connections and patterns to things that I haven't been able to do in over five years now! My brain actually feels something like this...

Yes. And no, I am not exaggerating! 

So, with my brain working more, and life going on, I was reading one night a few months ago. Which, I tend to do. Kind of a lot. Usually. 

And I read this section in a fiction book about an artist. Her best friend, who manages her artwork in a gallery, was explaining how she had a specific voice to all her drawings.

She compared it to a photographer who chooses what is in focus and what isn't. What you choose to focus on is your voice and shows what's most important to you in art. Then she commented that you only figure out your voice when you know who you are and what's important to you in life.

This completely caught my attention! It may seem rather innocuous, but it led to one of the biggest epiphanies I've personally had in a very long time!

Ever since my second year of doing art in college I've been feeling frustrated with myself and the art I create. I felt like I was never satisfied and it wasn't right, so most of the time while I liked doing it I was frustrated. When I realized I didn't have enough money to go to an art school for further training I didn't feel like doing anything after that related to art- unless I had a specific goal or purpose for it, like an assignment in class or an idea that got stuck in my head to make for someone (which was rare).

This is why until the last few months only my family and a handful of friends really know that I have had any interest in art! It was just a jumble of painful emotions, and it was easier to just close it off and avoid it before. I hadn't really gone back to it since then because all that emotion was still there with it.

So, as I was reading this story, it was like a light bulb went on. I had previously read this book, but God must have had more to work out in me first because I didn't think a thought about it before. But now all the lights were on!

I was laying in bed later thinking about that and realizing that I didn't know and never did know what to focus on in my art. And I didn't know what to focus on because I didn't really know who I was, or what was important to me in life and art and everything. That was enlightening but a bit disheartening too.

But I wanted to try to figure this out! So after some mental visualizing of the art I did in the past and which ones made me more satisfied and which ones didn't, which pictures I've taken and things I've come across that spoke to me and which didn't, I realized what was important to me and why I was so frustrated before.

I kept thinking that the form of the subject was the important thing and it wasn't. Not to me. And most of the stuff that I did before was focusing on the form. The whole picture. The whole person. The whole landscape. The whole subject.

I realized what is important to me is the connection, the idea, the spark of what it is, what makes it/that person unique out of everything and everyone else!

So, I sat there crying at 4:30 in the morning (waking up my husband in the process and was then able to share it with him) because I was happy that I finally figured out who I am, and what was important to me in art and life, and also really sad that it had taken me 36 years to figure out, along with all the opportunities I had missed.

And my mind kept seeing different pictures in my head of what I wanted to do, exactly as I wanted to do it, for the first time in ever, which is something I had been trying to feel for just about all my life!

It felt freeing and amazing! In a way that is still really difficult to describe more than I have.

Now, you may be thinking this is awesome, amazing, or cool. I do! And this is why I couldn't write out the last post last year- because I had needed this experience!

But, what you don't know just by reading this is how it has affected every other aspect of my life. And you also don't know that this is just the first of two experiences I have had with this area of discovering who I am! You know those commercials where they say, "But, wait! There's more!"?

Yup! Just please hang in there with me because I'm about to get to something that could affect your life, or the life of someone you love, in a significant way!

See, what I may have alluded to in past posts but haven't really said outright is that I have not really ever felt completely happy or satisfied in my life in more than just a circumstantial in the moment way. I have felt content, I have felt thankful, I have felt moments of happiness and joy, but it rarely lasted long. There's always been something deep within me that just needed something more to get to that point.

And, I know if you are a Christian, some of you will be saying something to the effect of, "You just need to find your happiness in God." Which, while true, is not the most helpful thing for everyone in this situation. I'm sorry, but it isn't. Because it was and is frustratingly obvious to me that finding happiness in God is what I needed. But, I couldn't get there, and there ended up being a bunch of steps I needed to take to get to that point, which I mention later.

I know I'm not the only person to feel this deep sense of discontentment or unhappiness, because others have significantly changed their circumstances to try to be happy. But, after I got to a certain point (especially after my counseling classes), I knew that the circumstances were not what was causing the issue.

Not my husband, not my sons, not my family, not even my fibromyalgia.

No, the problem was not my circumstances. The problem was in me.

No amount of changing my circumstances would change it. Because even if I did, I would still be there... the constant in every circumstance.

I was the one that needed to change- not other people, not my circumstances.

So, after this totally awesome epiphany about art and who I am, I began to shift some things around inside and put them in their places to fit better in my life.

As I was doing so, I decided it was about time to look into personality types again- which I do just about every year because something new always jumps out at me!

And can I tell you how completely wonderful it was to be able to have my mind clear and defogged because I am feeling so much better!?! So many things make more sense when your mind can actually work the way it is supposed to!

Well, I was looking around the internet at all the awesomely cool things about my personality type (as well as all of your awesomely cool things about your personality types), and I noticed a whole bunch of things this time. I'll only mention the things that are relevant to this though!

My personality type is INFJ.

There are a lot of things going on for each personality type, just as in mine, so I'm not going to get into the details about my type here. However, if you want to read more, check out one of my current favorite sites for Myers Briggs personality types here (you can follow the links to yours as well if you know it), and you can browse lots of pins about INFJs on my pinterest board here (I also have boards for all the other personality types).

Overall as I was reading these and others about my personality type, I kept seeing all these connections and things that I knew, but didn't realize what they were or how they worked together or what it meant.

What is relevant about my personality type in this post is that INFJs feel fulfilled when they have a cause to champion- a goal that is bigger than they are to shoot for. Something that will benefit the world.

If an INFJ does not have a cause to champion, or a goal bigger than they are to shoot for, guess what happens?

They feel unfulfilled, unhappy, and keep searching for something- and they don't always know what they are searching for.

Hmmmm.....

This will not be the case for everyone who is unhappy in their life since we each have different personality types, but this is at the core of who I am as an INFJ- I am certain whatever is causing the unhappiness in others will be wrapped up in the core of who they are within their personality. I have seen this with others as well, not just me.

So, before this time I had been really struggling with my mindset in staying home with the boys. I couldn't do anything physically outside of home for a job or anything, but I still struggled with it. Because I kept feeling and thinking that there was something missing or something more I needed to be doing- that cause or goal.

Because of this a piece of my mind was most always somewhere else when I was around the boys and not able to enjoy them as much as I honestly wanted and definitely needed to.

But, after this I realized that, at least for the next few years, my cause and focus will be my boys- helping them to be the best boys and grow to be the best men that they can be; and my husband, supporting him to the best of my ability, even though it can be limited. In a more minor way it would also be to help others with personality issues and discoveries, and to help others find healthy lives with Plexus too.

This may seem completely obvious... wasn't I doing that already?

But it was just a shift in perspective that became pivotal in adjusting my attitude, my thinking, and my view on the world and my place in it. Before then I felt like I was out of place. Which is a big part of what kept me from finding my happiness in God. Now, I know where my place is!

The last thing that happened was in my relationship with God- during the women's retreat this year.

For years I have been only able to tell God, I trust you with my circumstances. Later, it was, I trust you with my circumstances and loved ones. But I haven't been able to say, I trust you with my inner self, with who I am and all that's inside me. 

It just felt like there was too much and it was too.... Just too. I guess I told myself that it was too much for God, but that was silly because nothing is too much for him. Maybe I just didn't want him messing around in there and I knew He would. Yup, much more likely. Still, I just couldn't bring myself to just open myself up and tell God that. 

Well, I was finally able to say that at the retreat. (Which was awesome! I smiled more at the retreat than I had in months!) It wasn't long, it wasn't a lot. Just an ok, God, here you are, you've got me and all of me.

I won't write out here all of what happened after that, but He made it clear to me that he had me, understood me, and was with me!

And, in opening myself up to God, I realized even more of who I am and what I am made of. That what I really need is to be centered in who I am and how God made me. And grounded in God and who he is.

That really is the best thing about having difficult life situations- it forces you to dive deep within yourself to find the strength to meet and overcome the circumstances. And if you have a relationship with God, it causes you to dive deep in your relationship with him as well.

I discovered who I am and how I am made.

I am made to dive deep in the waters of life, to make connections within how I and other people work so that I can understand myself and others; to feel everything those around me are experiencing so that we can connect and I can encourage others; to think about the complexities of the human experience and how to change it for better; to see the unique, the sparks in life, and the lovely, and know when others need help and how to help them.

Notice those are all other people oriented. And when I'm caught up in how I'm feeling with my fibromyalgia, and everything else I have going on, I'm not able to work well in the way I am made.

That is why I am soooo extremely thankful that I am able to feel well enough to actually look beyond me to see my family, friends, and those around me. To make more of a difference in their lives as I am made to be.

And I have that deep sense of happiness, in myself and in God. I didn't need to change my circumstances. I just needed to change me.

I am changing to become a better me.
I am more than my losses.
I am stronger than my fears.
I am transformed more in my thinking.
I am moving deeper into a stronger and unshakable faith.
I am understanding and discovering myself more every day.

I have strength from within.

Plexus............. Definitely Does a Body Good

Let me tell you a story....

I was about 7 months pregnant with Connor when I first heard about Plexus. I looked into it more when a friend told me their TriPlex Combo products really helped people with Fibromyalgia. I was interested but skeptical as I had heard of other things that helped that didn't really help me. I've mentioned before that not everything works for everyone that has Fibro.

The more I looked into it, though, the more I was intrigued. From everything I saw it looked like it might actually work for me!

However, I was pregnant, and with other problems I had during this pregnancy I was hesitant to try something new on top of it. So, I waited.

Connor was born. I had issues with him and feeding after two weeks, and so found myself not having to worry about whether what I took affected him as he was only on formula now. At the time, though, we had to be careful with how much we spent. So, I waited more.

During this time events happened which I related in my last post. My fibro medication wasn't able to help me without hindering my effectiveness to take care of myself and my boys. I continued without it.

Finally, we were able to get the products from Plexus! Yes!!!

I ordered it, and in the meantime started birth control pills. Which proceeded to make me feel completely awful. I received my Plexus products the day after I called my doctor and he agreed I should stop taking the pills.

So, I had the Plexus products I had been waiting for, and I felt as bad as any of the worst times in my life.

In one way, this was one of the worst times to start taking them. Wouldn't it have been better if I felt pretty good and then could see if this helped me feel even better? On the other hand, I felt so completely awful that I needed something, anything, to help me feel even ok, let alone pretty good. So, this could have been the best possible time to try it.

In either case, this was the situation I found myself- Feeling completely awful and worse than I had in a long time, and hoping desperately that these products would do something to help.

After two weeks I felt better. I still didn't feel great, but I felt much better than before. I wasn't sure if it was taking the products or just stopping the pills though.

After three weeks on the pills, I still felt pretty tired but not bad. I was still wondering if it was really the products helping or just getting off of the pills. We were packing and leaving for an almost two week trip. I was going to run out about halfway through the trip and wouldn't get the next month's products till we got back. I didn't think it would be a problem, though.

My first indication that these products were really doing a lot to help was that we left on an 8 hour trip that turned to 10 with stops. Around hour 6 I realized that I felt a little stiff but relatively ok. This was a drastic difference to an hour trip I took to Philly towards the end of my pregnancy that put me in so much pain I could barely talk and could only close my eyes and pray for it to be over. Granted, I was pregnant which made my pain worse, but it still *shouldn't* have been that drastic of a difference because I had often had trouble traveling in the last few years (one of the reasons why I haven't gone many places either).

But, I felt pretty good. I could even turn in my seat to take care of Connor without too much pain. Still, I expected to be completely exhausted once I got where we were going as that's what usually happens after traveling. I always take days to recover. Not so much this time. I didn't have so much energy I wanted to go running around but then when do I ever? Still, after sleeping that night I was tired but ok. I could take care of the boys and play with them. I didn't feel like I couldn't even get out of bed like I so often do.

Even with realizing this, I didn't know how much better I was feeling until I ran out of the products later that week with travel still to go. I was much more tired. I was much stiffer. I was in more pain.

I got home and was thrilled to see that Plexus bag of products waiting! Taking them was one of the first things I did. Two days later I was feeling a lot better again.

Yeah, these Plexus products were definitely working! After that, I decided to become an ambassador so that I could get them at a discounted price as I was going to keep using them and hope they continued to work well.

Three months later, I decided I would try another product from Plexus- XFactor. Other people took it and it gave them more energy. Since my pain and stiffness was still greatly reduced but I was feeling fairly exhausted all the time, I decided to try it.

Within three days of starting it, I was feeling so much better! Again, I wasn't feeling so great I wanted to run around, but since I usually feel like only laying in bed or sitting on the couch, there was a lot of room in there for improvement. Instead of just getting through the day with the boys I felt more able to do things around the house and go out a couple times a week by myself or with the boys (Yes, that's how limiting I usually feel. Like I can't go anywhere or do anything as it takes too much energy and effort that I don't have).

That was in September. Now, in December, I ran out of X-Factor a few days ago and just ordered it again last night. I can tell a huge difference in my fatigue and energy levels. The fatigue is up, the energy is way down. I'm yawning all the time again. I feel like I have to push myself through the day again. I can function. I can do things. But, it's much harder than it was just a week ago.

So there's my story...

The products I've been taking have definitely been helping. They help people feel better even if they don't have Fibromyalgia!

If you want to look into them, please do! Check them out and see if it's something you could use yourself.

The Tri-Plex Combo is three products that help your body flux out fat, toxins, and other things that cause your body to slow down and feel bad, as well as help your body heal from the inside out. If you can only get one and you suffer from stiffness and pain, I would take Slim. 

X-Factor is a really good multivitamin that helps boost your energy and reduce stress. If you have limited money and can only try one with tiredness or energy being a problem, I would do this one.

To Med or Not To Med?

For me, that's always the question....

When you are in pain all the time, struggle with depression, and generally overall feel awful much of the time, it's something that has the potential to weigh on you.

With how bad I feel I could pop pain pills every day and still struggle, not to mention have the side affects of the meds. So, I just don't take pain pills. Not unless I've exhausted my other options and I'm in screaming pain, anyway!

When it comes to other meds it depends on the medication and the situation. From the time my oldest son was two months old till my youngest son was 4 months in my belly, I took an antidepressant and another medication that helped my fibromyalgia pain by blocking some of the pain receptors (there's a fancy medical word for it that I don't remember). I was struggling and I would have had a more difficult time without them. For the time I took them they were what I needed.

After I stopped taking them I felt worse, but I didn't think I should continue on them while I was pregnant. After our son was born I waited till my son was completely on a bottle. I was looking forward to taking them again so that I was not in as much pain anymore! The first night I took it again I was barely functional as a person, let alone a mom that needed to be awake to hold and feed her baby. I just couldn't continue to take it if it made my body too tired to even hold my baby, let alone take care of him!

[Sadly, this was not all that uncommon anyway during this time. It's much better now. :)]

So, that's what I decided to do. I would still be in pain, but I wouldn't have the side effect from the drug that made me super sleepy and tired and I could still take care of my baby.

That's as things were as of April earlier this year.

Sometime around early to mid May I started taking birth control pills. I had taken some before and been fine with them. Well, this time it wasn't so fine! I felt awful. I had been feeling relatively ok before this. Tired, but still able to do some things. In pain but not terrible. But, now I was dragging even more. I could hardly do anything during the day and at night my body kept overheating so that I kept waking up and getting restless sleep. And every day I took a new pill my body got worse and worse.

It only took a week to get to this point. I finally called my doctor and he had me stop it right away. The birth control pills, at this time, were not what my body needed.

Even after stopping them I was completely exhausted. I did not just bounce back to where I was before. I had a lingering malaise that was even worse than my normal exhaustion and pain. It was a struggle to get back to feeling any kind of normal, combined with discovering supplemental products that helped a LOT. More on that next post!

So, here's my answer to the question of, "To med or not to med?"

Sometimes your body and the situation requires it. And sometimes it's the last thing your body needs. You need to figure out which one it is for you for the time you are in. Sometimes you need meds, sometimes you need vitamins, sometimes you need supplements, and sometimes you just have to go without anything for a while till your body goes back to equilibrium.

The problem is that you won't always know until you take it, or go off of it. Every body doesn't respond the same way. Some things will help a lot of people and some things only help a handful. It's the way our bodies are, but even more pronounced with those that have Fibro. Perhaps because there hasn't seemed to be one cause for everyone yet. It's one of those weird things about Fibro that makes this process a little worse.

Don't just pop a pill though. Seriously consider if it's the right kind of medication or supplement for you to take. After you take them or stop taking them, then you can decide if it's helping, you don't notice much difference, or it affects you badly. It's good to talk about this with your doctor too! :)

Two Realizations as a Result of the Women of Faith Conference this Past Weekend

I went to the Women of Faith conference this weekend in Philly. It was awesome and amazing and sad. Sad because this is the last year they are having the conference as they have been doing it, with all the amazing speakers that have been a part of it.

It is always awesome and usually amazing. Every time I walk in there and sit down I take about 20 minutes to relax, to adjust to being there. Then I get this deep feeling inside that tells me, "Yes!! This is just what I needed!!"

[Two of my beautiful sisters and I at WOF this weekend (I'm on the right)]

I don't know why it continues to surprise me that there are still things that bowl me over about God, how his daughters share about God, and how we and life work, but it does. It often does. It doesn't happen with every speaker, but usually at least one or two will say something that just really sticks with me. Sometimes it's just a spark of an idea that a speaker shared which causes me to come through a lightning speed thought process to some form of enlightenment. This year it was the latter.

So, this year I realized two things about myself. And these two things are huge. So huge that I'm not sure why I never realized this about myself before now. Perhaps God needed me to get to the place where I am now to know how to be able to handle it. Maybe I will never know why it took this long. But, here I am.

When I was a girl I always wanted my superpower to be flying. I thought it would be the most awesome thing in the world! I dreamed about flying often. Sometimes in the daytime, but mostly at night. In my dreams I would soar anywhere and be able to feel the wind rushing by me. I loved it because I felt free and safe and happy. If any bad guys came into my dreams I just flew up and was safe away from them.

I've mentioned some of the issues I've had in previous posts (Feel free to read the back posts). Yet, I have really only scratched the surface and gone down a couple levels. Here, I'm going to share more that goes down into the core of who I have been and am now.

So, back to what I realized this weekend.

The first thing I realized this weekend is that my superpower isn't flying.

It's been a long time since I've been able have dreams at night that I can remember when I wake up (I can count the number on one hand for the same number of years), let alone have a dream of flying. But, even still...

No, my superpower isn't flying.

My super power is running way.

I am amazing at it. No, I excel at it! I can run so fast and far that no one can catch me. I leave them in the dust wondering what just happened.

Those that know me by now might be raising their eyebrows or laughing because I have always hated running. With a passion! But, I'm not talking about physically running away.

In regards to my fight or flight response, when it comes to people I love being hurt or mistreated in some way I will have an initial reaction of fight.

But in every other way, and especially when it comes to things about me, my immediate internal response is flight. Swiftly. Silently. Immediately.

It isn't always visible on the outside. On the outside I might seem fine. But inside I shut down. I run away inside. I run so far and fast into the core of myself that my heart can ache with the emptiness I'm leaving behind.

This affects every part of my life. It affects my relationships with my boys. It affects my relationship with my parents. It affects my relationship with my extended family. It affects my relationships with my friends. And it really affects my relationship with my husband (bet you thought I forgot him!).

Yes, running away is my super power.

But, if there is anything I excel at more than running away, it's hiding.

I am a champion hider. Always have been. I hide so well sometimes when my son Reilly is finding me that I have to give a couple clues before he figures out where I am. If people found me quickly it was because I wanted them to find me sooner.

When I hide inside it isn't a quick little jaunt. It can be days. It's more often weeks. Sometimes it's been months. And people never find me.

This is why I've been pretty silent this summer. I've been running and hiding inside.

You might make the correlation that if running inside affected my relationships that much, then hiding affects my relationships even more. And it does. With the only exception being that when things are good with me and Steve (which is most of the time) the place I feel the safest and best is in the arms of my husband. It's my favorite spot. If I had my way I'd never leave that spot, but life does insist on moving forward. And it wouldn't end up being good for me anyway because I would still be hiding.

That's how I have responded to much of life ever since I was a little girl. If you run away inside then it won't hurt as much. If you run away inside you won't feel as much. If you run away inside then you can pretend things are different than they really are. If you hide then no one can find you. If you hide then you are safe.

I'm not going to share all of how I learned to handle life this way and how it got to that point. Some of it is part of other stories that aren't mine to tell, and most of them would just take a long while to explain.

However, I can tell you how many times that this superpower backfired. Almost every time.

I still hurt, I just let myself bleed inside while I tried to ignore it. I still felt everything, but I fooled myself into thinking my emotions were gone or didn't matter. Things were never different than they really are and reality always crashed in. People may not have found me, but they also didn't know me and I desperately want to be known and accepted for me. And any illusion of safety I had was a lie.

They were ALL lies.

But the thing with lies is that they are sneaky. They often start little but gradually grow into something big.

I've been trying to be really honest with myself and others for the past 13 or so years ever since I realized how hurtful lies could be (another long story). I have thought I've been doing pretty well at it. So, you can imagine my shock and surprise at realizing that I've been telling myself big huge fat lies for most of my life and didn't recognize it!

So, the first thing I realized this weekend was that my super power isn't what I'd hoped it was, and I've been telling myself big fat lies for years.

The other thing I realized this weekend is that I've pretty much just been waiting for life to happen.

I have Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I have pain and achyness all the time (though better more recently which I'll share in another post soon). I have difficulty with normal every day things that other people hardly blink an eye at.

I am an introvert. On a scale of extroversion and introversion, with extroversion being 0 and the most introverted person ever being 10, I'm around 8.5. I might even be able to argue for 9.

I have a really active extroverted 5 and a half year old boy and a mellow but curious 6 month old boy. Most of the little energy I have is drained out of me just with taking care of them. I'm exhausted every second of the day in a deep-down-I'm-never-going-to-not-be-tired kind of way.

Since I can do little else, especially not do much of any work to earn money, I feel like I am just in a holding pattern of waiting.

I'm waiting to feel better. I'm waiting for my boys to grow older. I'm waiting to figure out more of what I want to do with my life. I'm waiting to be in a good mental space. I'm waiting to be in a good relational place. I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting.

I decided this weekend that I'm done with waiting.
I decided this weekend that I don't want to run away anymore.
I decided this weekend that I don't want to hide anymore.

I'm still trying to figure out the how. It might take a while.
Maybe I can get a new superpower some day.

Maybe some day I can fly.

Strength From Within, Part 5 - Reaffirming My Faith

This is the fifth post in my series on Strength From Within.

In the first post I talk about how Dr. Oz stated that each person's body changes every 7 years on a cellular level, leaving each of us as an entirely new person. I talk about how I struggled in my different body with Fibromyalgia and what I now had to do when faced with my different body- learn how to deal with the changes and discover myself all over again.

In the second post I talk about having to grieve my losses, letting myself feel all the negative emotions, and let the losses go so that my heart could have emotional freedom and the space to discover myself.

In the third post I describe a process I went through in how I decided to do something scary and face my fears, not letting them take over my life. This took courage, but it changed my life and let me teach my son Reilly about being brave like his name describes.

In the fourth post I walked through some of how I have had to recalibrate my thinking so that instead of focusing on the negative things of what I had lost, I needed to realize what I had gained through Fibromyalgia. I didn't want to at first, but I learned a great deal about myself and about focusing on what's really important.

In this post I will describe a little as to how I reaffirmed my faith and how my faith has helped me.

During my counseling classes we had what we called labs, where we practiced some of the skills we were learning. During one of the lab times in my first year I walked in and sat down to do the exercises. I don't remember what it was that I was upset about specifically, but I was so bothered by it that I couldn't stop crying and had a hard time even talking.

One of the lab leaders took me aside. I don't really remember what I said to her, but one of the things that bothered me must have been a topic that I struggled with often over that time period- that I had a hard time knowing God was there and with praying because my emotions felt like that nothingness that I later recognized was from exhaustion and depression. I had questions. I had doubts. When I prayed it was as if I could have been talking to the backside of a barn because it just felt like it was going nowhere and that God wasn't hearing me.

Now, if you don't believe in God or have never found anything you really had a lot of faith in, you might think, yeah, it wasn't going anywhere because there was nothing there to hear! I can't convince you to think otherwise, but I will tell you that I had previously felt God's presence in my life. It was awesome and wonderful. I know God protected me at various times in my life from physical and personal harm. I often just felt a sense of peace even if there was no circumstantial reason to feel that way.

At some point though, that feeling was gone, and it was gone around the time that I felt the fatigue and depression ramp up after I got married (No, I don't think those are related!) and felt worse around the time I was in the counseling program and classes. Regardless of my emotions feeling blank, I know I was experiencing doubt, discouragement, and depression. I kept wondering, What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Is God angry with me? Do I even have faith? Have I just been fooling myself this whole time?

So, you may be wondering why I know roughly what I was upset about even though I don't remember what I said? That's because of the response from my lab leader, which I remember almost word for word.

"Sarah, I know it may not seem like it now, and it may take some time in coming, but I know there will be a day when your faith in God is so strong that nothing will be able to shake you from it." 

[This is a 1,300 year old monastery built on a single enormous rock in France. There is a passage 

in the Bible about a wise man building a house on a rock instead of shifting sand. 

I often thought this was referring to what teaching you followed and what you placed your faith in- 

if you placed your faith in God your foundation was strong and immovable.]

Wow.

I remember thinking things like, "That's nice for later but not so helpful for now."  However, as the days went by I heard her words play and replay in my head. If you've read my post about finding and holding onto your hope, you might understand what I mean as I tell you that this thought became something for me to hold onto when the days were dark and difficult.

This time period, that lasted a number of years, tested, sifted, measured, weighed, examined, filtered, and purified my faith. I didn't realize this at the time, because all I saw was the pain, but this was good for me. Actually, this was one of the best things to happen to me that I never would have wanted or asked for. This was another way that Fibromyalgia was a benefit to me in ways I wouldn't have thought before. I mention more of this in my post about recalibrating my thinking.

I've come across people that seem afraid of dark and difficult times partly because they can shake your faith. They seem afraid of questioning anything related to faith and how faith intersects life as we now live it because it's seen as shameful to have doubts and fears. It seems wrong to them to have any questions about God and faith because isn't that just a lack of faith, and doesn't it say somewhere that isn't a good thing?

Having been through this process I say, you can be afraid. You can't change how you feel right now. However, while it is a painful process, there is nothing to fear about having your faith tested, sifted, measured, weighed, and all the rest. There is nothing wrong with crying out to God, asking Him the hard questions, and beating your fists against anything you find (though, as we tell our son Reilly- not people!).

That might seem odd to you, but I think it's right. If you know something about the Bible you might be familiar with David. He did this all the time. He questioned, he yelled, he was discouraged and depressed, he made mistakes (and several really big ones!), he sobbed. And God called him a man after His own heart. Job, the man who went through almost every kind of misfortune on earth, had strong faith and still questioned God, at one point basically saying, "Why do I even exist?". God later blessed him and restored everything He took away.

Why would God do and say these things about men that had deep questions about Him, about their circumstances, and about their relationship with Him?

I think it is because even while doubting, even while being angry, discouraged, and afraid, they still turned towards God. They never turned their back on Him and said, "Forget you!". Their spiritual posture was still facing God. They still had faith even if they didn't realize it, even when it wasn't obvious to themselves. They recognized His hand, knew God was there and had their back, even when their feelings and their circumstances told them otherwise.

So, this is why a testing and sifting of faith is good for us, and me- because it ends up strong and purified. A faith that hasn't been through testing of some kind can't become strong- it's just an untested weak kind of faith.

So, after years of struggling with wondering what happened to my faith, I realized that faith in God was one of the very few things I was still holding on to. I was still turned to Him, I still searched for Him, I still found Him, even when my feelings and my circumstances kept telling me my life had a huge void with God's name on it.

I found pieces of who God is in seemingly random places that showed me I wasn't forgotten. I found Him in books (not just Christian books!), I found Him in movies (not just Christian movies), I found Him in nature (not just at church), I found Him in people (not just the seemingly uber spiritual ones!). Please don't mistake me saying these things as some sort of "there is divinity in all of us, etc." That is NOT what I am saying here!

I'm saying that I would go through my day and God would show me little bits of Himself, basically saying, "Hi Sarah, I'm still here. I'm not gone. I've been here the whole time. Just see me. I'm right here in front of you." At first it was a bit here, a piece there.

If you've ever had someone write little post it notes to you and put them in random places around the house for you to find as you go through your day, you might understand how this was. I saw the equivalent of little post its from God here and there, basically telling me He was thinking about me.

At first I was aware of very little. But, then I started noticing. Once I started noticing, I eventually started seeing. And once I started seeing, I saw Him everywhere.

God was here. He was with me. He had my hand. He had my back. He wasn't letting go. He wasn't leaving me. He had me. He holds me. He's got me. 

And once I realized that, I knew that my lab leader was right. It had happened. I was finally at the place where my faith in God is so strong that nothing will shake me from it - including Fibromylagia.