Life Is Pain

Yesterday I went outside to play with Connor on the playground and to walk around. It was one of the first times getting out together to play since it’s warmed up. 

Yeah, I know. 

We don’t go out much because I’m often in pain and exhausted due to having fibromyalgia. But Connor loves being outside and asks about it often. 

Now after a while of playing in the playground we realized bees were buzzing a little too much so we went for a walk instead.

There’s a rather steep hill towards the back of the property we headed towards as its part of the loop I like to take in walking. But this hill is pretty steep for me to do in my struggle with fibro. 

No, It doesn't look like this... I really wish it did!

We walked hand in hand. We approached the top of this hill just to where we can see the curve down when Connor asked, “Mommy, we run?”

I didn’t even have a chance to answer before he starts darting down this steeper hill to the bottom, still holding my hand. I wanted to make sure he stayed with me but I also wanted him to have fun, so instead of pulling him back I held his hand tight and ran down with him.

I’m telling you... the pain was awful. Every jolt of my body moving forward, every impact of my feet, radiated pain all through my body. My back ached, my feet whimpered, and my brain screamed “why are you putting me through this experience? I am in so much pain right now!”

I have no doubt my pain receptors were lighting up like a Christmas tree.

Did you know that those with fibromyalgia show a problem with the way pain stimuli are processed in the brain? 

It's almost like the brain doesn't know what to do with the stimulus so it registers as a greater pain than it might warrant in someone normal. What does this mean? Doctors are still figuring that out. 

But, what it means practically is that every sensation a person experiences, particularly when it comes to pain is worse in someone with fibro. 

Clap someone on the back and that pain might be a one or a two on the pain scale, and quickly dissipates. Clap someone with fibro on the back and it can register as high as a 5 or 6, and that pain dissipates very slowly. 

Any impact or pressure onto our bodies causes far more pain than someone without fibromyalgia. 

However, even knowing this I didn’t stop. 

And I would do it all over again. 

Are you wondering why? 

It's not because I'm a masochist. Far from it!

Here’s why....

When it comes to pain of any kind I’ve had to learn the difference between hurt and harm.

Hurt is temporary. You bump your knee and you bruise, but it eventually goes away.  

Harm is more permanent and causes lasting pain or changes things in a painful way. This could be due to injury, or abuse. 

So, while running down the hill with Connor caused me hurt, and lots of pain, with my body taking a little while to calm down to my normal pain levels... there was no lasting harm. 

Now, I don't like to feel pain. Who does? So, why would I run down the hill all over again, putting my body through all this pain?

Because of that little hand clutching mine, the joy on my son's face, and his excitement as he yelled halfway down the hill... "We flying, Mommy!"

There are no words to describe that moment. 

Recently I've realized that I can't shy away from life just because I will experience pain. 

I know pain will happen, and I will expect it.... 

I hear the words from Princess Bride in my head now.... "Life is pain, your highness! Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

It sounds rather cynical... but for those of us living with fibromyalgia it's very true. 

When anything and everything causes you pain, to shy away from pain means you aren't living. 

I'm completely serious... You just aren't living.

I've had a series of revelations recently and here is one of them.... 

I refuse to let my stuff keep my boys from experiencing life, and knowing everything they could experience because of my pain. 

I'm just stubborn like that... and I'm done with hiding away from life. 

Now, I still need to be careful. I am still exhausted all the time, and need to make sure I'm not over extending myself in what I can do each day. 

But a run down the hill? 

Come on Connor... let's go fly!