Strength From Within, Part 5 - Reaffirming My Faith

This is the fifth post in my series on Strength From Within.

In the first post I talk about how Dr. Oz stated that each person's body changes every 7 years on a cellular level, leaving each of us as an entirely new person. I talk about how I struggled in my different body with Fibromyalgia and what I now had to do when faced with my different body- learn how to deal with the changes and discover myself all over again.

In the second post I talk about having to grieve my losses, letting myself feel all the negative emotions, and let the losses go so that my heart could have emotional freedom and the space to discover myself.

In the third post I describe a process I went through in how I decided to do something scary and face my fears, not letting them take over my life. This took courage, but it changed my life and let me teach my son Reilly about being brave like his name describes.

In the fourth post I walked through some of how I have had to recalibrate my thinking so that instead of focusing on the negative things of what I had lost, I needed to realize what I had gained through Fibromyalgia. I didn't want to at first, but I learned a great deal about myself and about focusing on what's really important.

In this post I will describe a little as to how I reaffirmed my faith and how my faith has helped me.

During my counseling classes we had what we called labs, where we practiced some of the skills we were learning. During one of the lab times in my first year I walked in and sat down to do the exercises. I don't remember what it was that I was upset about specifically, but I was so bothered by it that I couldn't stop crying and had a hard time even talking.

One of the lab leaders took me aside. I don't really remember what I said to her, but one of the things that bothered me must have been a topic that I struggled with often over that time period- that I had a hard time knowing God was there and with praying because my emotions felt like that nothingness that I later recognized was from exhaustion and depression. I had questions. I had doubts. When I prayed it was as if I could have been talking to the backside of a barn because it just felt like it was going nowhere and that God wasn't hearing me.

Now, if you don't believe in God or have never found anything you really had a lot of faith in, you might think, yeah, it wasn't going anywhere because there was nothing there to hear! I can't convince you to think otherwise, but I will tell you that I had previously felt God's presence in my life. It was awesome and wonderful. I know God protected me at various times in my life from physical and personal harm. I often just felt a sense of peace even if there was no circumstantial reason to feel that way.

At some point though, that feeling was gone, and it was gone around the time that I felt the fatigue and depression ramp up after I got married (No, I don't think those are related!) and felt worse around the time I was in the counseling program and classes. Regardless of my emotions feeling blank, I know I was experiencing doubt, discouragement, and depression. I kept wondering, What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Is God angry with me? Do I even have faith? Have I just been fooling myself this whole time?

So, you may be wondering why I know roughly what I was upset about even though I don't remember what I said? That's because of the response from my lab leader, which I remember almost word for word.

"Sarah, I know it may not seem like it now, and it may take some time in coming, but I know there will be a day when your faith in God is so strong that nothing will be able to shake you from it." 

[This is a 1,300 year old monastery built on a single enormous rock in France. There is a passage 

in the Bible about a wise man building a house on a rock instead of shifting sand. 

I often thought this was referring to what teaching you followed and what you placed your faith in- 

if you placed your faith in God your foundation was strong and immovable.]

Wow.

I remember thinking things like, "That's nice for later but not so helpful for now."  However, as the days went by I heard her words play and replay in my head. If you've read my post about finding and holding onto your hope, you might understand what I mean as I tell you that this thought became something for me to hold onto when the days were dark and difficult.

This time period, that lasted a number of years, tested, sifted, measured, weighed, examined, filtered, and purified my faith. I didn't realize this at the time, because all I saw was the pain, but this was good for me. Actually, this was one of the best things to happen to me that I never would have wanted or asked for. This was another way that Fibromyalgia was a benefit to me in ways I wouldn't have thought before. I mention more of this in my post about recalibrating my thinking.

I've come across people that seem afraid of dark and difficult times partly because they can shake your faith. They seem afraid of questioning anything related to faith and how faith intersects life as we now live it because it's seen as shameful to have doubts and fears. It seems wrong to them to have any questions about God and faith because isn't that just a lack of faith, and doesn't it say somewhere that isn't a good thing?

Having been through this process I say, you can be afraid. You can't change how you feel right now. However, while it is a painful process, there is nothing to fear about having your faith tested, sifted, measured, weighed, and all the rest. There is nothing wrong with crying out to God, asking Him the hard questions, and beating your fists against anything you find (though, as we tell our son Reilly- not people!).

That might seem odd to you, but I think it's right. If you know something about the Bible you might be familiar with David. He did this all the time. He questioned, he yelled, he was discouraged and depressed, he made mistakes (and several really big ones!), he sobbed. And God called him a man after His own heart. Job, the man who went through almost every kind of misfortune on earth, had strong faith and still questioned God, at one point basically saying, "Why do I even exist?". God later blessed him and restored everything He took away.

Why would God do and say these things about men that had deep questions about Him, about their circumstances, and about their relationship with Him?

I think it is because even while doubting, even while being angry, discouraged, and afraid, they still turned towards God. They never turned their back on Him and said, "Forget you!". Their spiritual posture was still facing God. They still had faith even if they didn't realize it, even when it wasn't obvious to themselves. They recognized His hand, knew God was there and had their back, even when their feelings and their circumstances told them otherwise.

So, this is why a testing and sifting of faith is good for us, and me- because it ends up strong and purified. A faith that hasn't been through testing of some kind can't become strong- it's just an untested weak kind of faith.

So, after years of struggling with wondering what happened to my faith, I realized that faith in God was one of the very few things I was still holding on to. I was still turned to Him, I still searched for Him, I still found Him, even when my feelings and my circumstances kept telling me my life had a huge void with God's name on it.

I found pieces of who God is in seemingly random places that showed me I wasn't forgotten. I found Him in books (not just Christian books!), I found Him in movies (not just Christian movies), I found Him in nature (not just at church), I found Him in people (not just the seemingly uber spiritual ones!). Please don't mistake me saying these things as some sort of "there is divinity in all of us, etc." That is NOT what I am saying here!

I'm saying that I would go through my day and God would show me little bits of Himself, basically saying, "Hi Sarah, I'm still here. I'm not gone. I've been here the whole time. Just see me. I'm right here in front of you." At first it was a bit here, a piece there.

If you've ever had someone write little post it notes to you and put them in random places around the house for you to find as you go through your day, you might understand how this was. I saw the equivalent of little post its from God here and there, basically telling me He was thinking about me.

At first I was aware of very little. But, then I started noticing. Once I started noticing, I eventually started seeing. And once I started seeing, I saw Him everywhere.

God was here. He was with me. He had my hand. He had my back. He wasn't letting go. He wasn't leaving me. He had me. He holds me. He's got me. 

And once I realized that, I knew that my lab leader was right. It had happened. I was finally at the place where my faith in God is so strong that nothing will shake me from it - including Fibromylagia.

Strength From Within, Part 2 - Grieving My Losses

This is the second post in my series on Strength From Within.
These steps are what I have had to do, and continue to do in some ways day after day. I hope you will be encouraged if you determine that you need to do some of these steps yourself!

In the first post I talk about how Dr. Oz stated that each person's body changes every 7 years on a cellular level, leaving each of us as an entirely different person. I talk about how I struggled in my different body with Fibromyalgia and what I now had to do when faced with my body being different- find strength from within, learn how to deal with the changes, and find myself all over again.

In order to find strength within me I first had to realize what I have lost. This post is about grieving my losses. 

My body is different. My body is no longer a body that can easily move about. My body is no longer going to just be able to drop myself on the ground to take a picture any place I feel like without suffering intense pain. Even playing on the floor with my boys is a struggle. My body will not be able to handle traveling for long periods of time without suffering every mile in pain with days of recovery. Just walking can be painful at times. My body is now limited.

My brain is different. My brain will no longer be able to handle intense periods of concentration without feeling like I've worked all day. My brain can't handle stress and tense periods of time very well. My brain struggles to come up with simple words sometimes (Ask my husband how many times I ask him about the thing that goes with/in/on/from the thing!). My brain so often feels clouded over as if my brain is mushy, foggy, or empty. Just thinking is difficult at times. My brain is now limited.  

These things and so many more I have had to grieve the loss of. Loss of freedom, loss of movement, loss of impulsiveness, loss of free creativity, loss of normalcy. These losses are hard losses to bear when it's an ongoing struggle day after day.

If you've gone through a grief process for loss of a loved one or another type of loss, you may be aware of the common 5 stages of grief:
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

You may notice that these stages alternate a type of thinking with emotion: thought, emotion, thought, emotion, thought. However, not everyone goes through all of the stages or in this order. I never went through denial. The anger and depression kind of cycled back and forth. I didn't really bargain, but you can believe I prayed and prayed about it, asking God to take Fibro away, and desperately wished I could have some of these losses back. I accepted it as fact, but it took months for me to be at a place I would characterize as being at peace with having Fibromyalgia.

It's hard to let myself feel the emotions of these losses. Emotions are overwhelming to feel sometimes, and especially with these because anger and fear are two of the strongest more negative emotions. I have a post in mind just about emotions because they can be so much and so overwhelming, and (especially if you have an avoidance coping mechanism- Hello, books!!) so avoided in feeling them.

 But, I knew and know that not allowing myself to grieve these losses would just keep them bottled up and cause more emotional distress and overall stress. It is easy to only focus on the losses and become bitter or negative. It would be so easy to do that and justify it because of all the pain I am in and all the losses I've had.

It would be easy but it wouldn't be the best thing for me or my family. Being bitter and negative doesn't help me at all and only hurts me. Being bitter and negative would make me a person that would be difficult for my family to handle and they already have been impacted just by my limitations, let alone my attitude. It wouldn't let me remain a good friend to those I have, or be at all open to making new friendships when that is already difficult for me. I would pretty much just be bitchy, witchy, and twitchy all the time, and who wants to live with that?!?

Grieving these losses meant having emotional freedom and a lighter heart, a better attitude and a better life. I have needed this to move onto the next stages, have strength from within, and discover who I now am in my different body.

I do have a lighter heart after grieving these losses, but this is also an ongoing process. Every so often something will hit me again and needs to be grieved and let go. This happens less often as time goes on, but still happens. Letting go can also be difficult, but still very necessary. I will talk about this a little more in later posts!

Read Strength From Within, Part 3: Facing My Fears

My Fibro Story

Since Fibromyalgia doesn't have a known cause, it's hard to say where my Fibro story started. However, there was a time I definitely knew something was wrong...

When I was 22, very close to celebrating 23, and away at college I woke up one day and realized I felt like I had never slept at all. I was exhausted. I dragged all through my classes and activities that day until I finally was able to sleep and get rest. Except I woke up the next day again feeling like I hadn't gotten any sleep.

Soon I was falling asleep in class, feeling awful, and struggling to focus on homework and assignments, even to comprehend what I was reading in my textbooks. [That fatigue and fogginess in thinking and concentrating has continued. Some times are worse than others]

After a week of this I knew something was wrong. No amount of sleep changed how I felt. I finally went to the doctors and they took a number of tests. At the end they told me I was perfectly healthy and nothing was wrong. Have you ever wanted to throw a total tantrum but as an adult? So wanted to here! I still felt awful so I knew something was wrong!

There is nothing worse than waking up one day feeling awful and, as time goes on, realizing that your body has betrayed you. If you have never experienced this for some kind of debilitating condition, illness, or disease it is difficult to convey the horror, confusion, and grief this makes you feel.

A few years went by while I met my husband and got married (one of the best decisions of my life!), I started my masters in counseling (also one of the best!), and still- no matter how much sleep I got I felt exhausted. Eventually, after reading online, I figured that I had chronic fatigue. I had a lot of the same symptoms. I still went for tests every so often as things seemed to get worse. The tests still came back saying I was perfectly healthy.

At this point my husband tentatively suggested that perhaps since the tests said nothing was wrong then maybe nothing was wrong? I responded with exploding, responding that I felt awful and it was in no way normal to feel this way. He learned to keep those kind of thoughts to himself. :) I learned to not respond badly when someone asks a logical question, even if it's upsetting.

I worked at an independent bookstore for several years around this time.

 
I learned that one of my co-workers had Fibromyalgia. She would occasionally call out sick the morning of work, need help lifting the boxes, and other little things like that. I remember thinking a little ungraciously the third time in a row I was working and she called out sick, then finding out later that she had been gardening (one of her favorite hobbies) or something a little more physically strenuous.

If I could talk to her now I would tell her, "I soooo get it now! I am so sorry I ever thought anything ungraciously and wish I could have thought to make it easier for you." Because it is hard. It is hard to get out of bed, and hard to resist doing something you love, even knowing you might pay for it later in pain and stiffness.

A couple years later (and a lot of difficult nights and foggy days) we decided we wanted to have kids and I gave birth to our son.

[Actual picture of our newborn son- Reilly Christopher]

Now, my son is wonderful! But the process of birth and recovering afterwards was awful. I was completely wiped out physically from the pain. I was drained mentally and emotionally from fatigue. I developed Post Partum Depression, which kept me in a constant state of stress and emotional distress. Reilly's whole first year is probably the worse year of my life so far because of all this. Reilly himself is the best part of that year!

If you've read my post about what Fibro is, you will have noted that one of the risk factors is physical trauma. I believe that the pain of giving birth ramped everything up. I started having pains in my hands and feet. My arms and legs would tingle periodically in a way that itched and drove me crazy. I had a hard time even walking because it was painful. My hips began giving me trouble. It felt like I was developing Rheumatoid Arthritis in all the major joints and all those in my hands and feet.

 As this year went on, I began feeling trapped in my body and wanted desperately to either have my body work properly and let me feel right, or to not be in my body anymore. Please understand, it isn't that I wanted to die. I was not suicidal. I just didn't want to be in my body anymore because I was so tired (having a newborn didn't help with that!) and so tired of hurting and not knowing why.

After a couple months I was able to go to an RA doctor, and received the orders for another series of tests. However, this time I got a diagnosis back- Fibromyalgia. Finally, after 7 years, I had gotten a doctor that both had the knowledge and took the time to really listen and figure out what was wrong!

It was both relieving and depressing. Relieving because I finally had a definite diagnoses in which everything I was going through made sense! Depressing because I already knew that Fibro was a lifelong condition and there was no cure for how I was feeling- I hadn't wanted that reality.

It took a while to completely come to terms with having Fibromyalgia and how different my life would be with it. More of that in this post.

What Is Fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia (Fibro) is a chronic syndrome, with no definite cause, in which the sufferer experiences heightened pain and stiffness, fatigue, and depression, among other symptoms.

Lets break this down...

Fibromyalgia is a chronic...
Fibro is a condition that doesn't go away. It can get better at times, it can get worse, but once a person develops Fibromyalgia they have it for the rest of their life.

...syndrome...
Fibro is called a syndrome because over the years doctors have noticed certain symptoms grouped together in patients they have seen. Over time this grouping of symptoms became labeled as Fibromyalgia. It is not a disease, an illness, or directly caused by a virus.

...with no definite cause...
There is still no definitive cause for Fibromyalgia. There are things that are the same for some, but no underlying reason is the same for everyone. Here's what they know about the cause in a condensed form:

1. Fibro often runs in families, so genetics could predispose a person to get Fibromyalgia.

2. Epstein Barr virus, hepatitis C and other systemic infections have been linked with Fibro. Chronic infections of certain viruses can trigger Fibromyalgia.
3.  There is some evidence that links Fibro with previous physical and emotional trauma, similar to PTSD. This can include a bad car accident, childbirth, or menopause (a dear woman I love told me her symptoms have been greatly exacerbated by menopause).
4. Fibro has been linked to diseases and illnesses such as Lyme disease, ankylosing spondylitis (an inflammitory disease that causes vertebrae in your spine to fuse together), rheumatoid arthritis, and lupus (an inflammatory disease caused when the immune system attacks its own tissues), all of which indicates there is an autoimmune element to Fibromyalgia.
5. Some believe that a pattern of sleep dysfunction is the root cause for Fibro.
6. Studies have shown that those with Fibro have lower Serotonin (Serotonin helps lower and regulate pain) and 2-3 times higher levels of substance P (increases nerve sensitivity and heightens perception of pain.)

My opinion is that 1-4 are risk factors. The more of them you have the more likely you are to get Fibro at some point, with 5 & 6 having potential as both cause and symptom, perhaps cycling to make Fibro worse as time goes on if nothing mitigates these conditions.

...in which the sufferer experiences heightened pain and stiffness...
After reading the previous paragraph in #6, it isn't a wonder that pain is experienced. Additionally, to get an official diagnoses of Fibro, pain must be present in at least 11 of 18 pain points on the body, and in each quadrant of the body. The pain feels similar at times to Rheumatoid Arthritis, but instead of occurring in the joints, the Fibro pain occurs in the muscles, tendons, and connective tissues. Stiffness in these areas also occurs after remaining in one position for a time, causing additional pain.

...fatigue...
Regardless of whether it is cause or effect or both, sleep patterns play a big part in how people experience Fibromyalgia. Fatigue experienced ranges between mild and overwhelming. Fatigue often contributes to depression and worsens pain symptoms. People with fibromyalgia often have below-normal levels of certain brain chemicals that are essential for proper sleep patterns and a sense of mental well-being: Serotonin, Norepinephrine, and Dopamine.

...and depression...
Depression often occurs in those with Fibro as a result of lowered Serotonin levels in conjunction with interrupted sleep patterns and increased fatigue. Low cortisol levels, poor mitochondrial function, low levels of vitamin D, and hypothyroidism can also contribute to anxiety and depression.

...among other symptoms.
Other symptoms include tension headaches/migraines, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), TMJ pain, dry irritated eyes, ringing in ears, pelvic pain, skin problems/sensitivities, burning, tingling or numbness in hands and feet, and cognitive difficulties (memory problems, confusion, and difficulty concentrating).

And all of this means that Fibromyalgia is complex, confusing, and difficult to deal with!

Do you feel a little down just reading this? It's not an easy condition to live with, and difficult to not feel slightly depressed when thinking about it! Not everyone has every symptom. However, the fatigue and the pain points are the definitive symptoms of Fibro. You have to have those to receive a diagnoses. I haven't had every symptom of Fibro, but in writing all of these symptoms out I realized that I now do, and some have become pretty bad!

I will share more details about each of these sections, as well as some of the ways I've found to manage it and think about it more positively, in later posts.

Do you know someone with Fibromyalgia, or have you been diagnosed yourself? I'd love to hear more about it!

Disclaimer: Not a doctor!