These steps are what I have had to do, and continue to do in some ways day after day. I hope you will be encouraged if you determine that you need to do some of these steps yourself!
In the first post I talk about how Dr. Oz stated that each person's body changes every 7 years on a cellular level, leaving each of us as an entirely different person. I talk about how I struggled in my different body with Fibromyalgia and what I now had to do when faced with my body being different- find strength from within, learn how to deal with the changes, and find myself all over again.
In order to find strength within me I first had to realize what I have lost. This post is about grieving my losses.
My body is different. My body is no longer a body that can easily move about. My body is no longer going to just be able to drop myself on the ground to take a picture any place I feel like without suffering intense pain. Even playing on the floor with my boys is a struggle. My body will not be able to handle traveling for long periods of time without suffering every mile in pain with days of recovery. Just walking can be painful at times. My body is now limited.
My brain is different. My brain will no longer be able to handle intense periods of concentration without feeling like I've worked all day. My brain can't handle stress and tense periods of time very well. My brain struggles to come up with simple words sometimes (Ask my husband how many times I ask him about the thing that goes with/in/on/from the thing!). My brain so often feels clouded over as if my brain is mushy, foggy, or empty. Just thinking is difficult at times. My brain is now limited.
These things and so many more I have had to grieve the loss of. Loss of freedom, loss of movement, loss of impulsiveness, loss of free creativity, loss of normalcy. These losses are hard losses to bear when it's an ongoing struggle day after day.
If you've gone through a grief process for loss of a loved one or another type of loss, you may be aware of the common 5 stages of grief:
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
You may notice that these stages alternate a type of thinking with emotion: thought, emotion, thought, emotion, thought. However, not everyone goes through all of the stages or in this order. I never went through denial. The anger and depression kind of cycled back and forth. I didn't really bargain, but you can believe I prayed and prayed about it, asking God to take Fibro away, and desperately wished I could have some of these losses back. I accepted it as fact, but it took months for me to be at a place I would characterize as being at peace with having Fibromyalgia.
It's hard to let myself feel the emotions of these losses. Emotions are overwhelming to feel sometimes, and especially with these because anger and fear are two of the strongest more negative emotions. I have a post in mind just about emotions because they can be so much and so overwhelming, and (especially if you have an avoidance coping mechanism- Hello, books!!) so avoided in feeling them.
But, I knew and know that not allowing myself to grieve these losses would just keep them bottled up and cause more emotional distress and overall stress. It is easy to only focus on the losses and become bitter or negative. It would be so easy to do that and justify it because of all the pain I am in and all the losses I've had.
It would be easy but it wouldn't be the best thing for me or my family. Being bitter and negative doesn't help me at all and only hurts me. Being bitter and negative would make me a person that would be difficult for my family to handle and they already have been impacted just by my limitations, let alone my attitude. It wouldn't let me remain a good friend to those I have, or be at all open to making new friendships when that is already difficult for me. I would pretty much just be bitchy, witchy, and twitchy all the time, and who wants to live with that?!?
Grieving these losses meant having emotional freedom and a lighter heart, a better attitude and a better life. I have needed this to move onto the next stages, have strength from within, and discover who I now am in my different body.
I do have a lighter heart after grieving these losses, but this is also an ongoing process. Every so often something will hit me again and needs to be grieved and let go. This happens less often as time goes on, but still happens. Letting go can also be difficult, but still very necessary. I will talk about this a little more in later posts!
Read Strength From Within, Part 3: Facing My Fears
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