Strength From Within, Part 6 - Discover Who I Am

As I sat down to write this last year with the title, "Discover Who I Am", I had the hardest time writing. I hemmed and hawed and had writers block like nothing you would believe! I knew the last post needed to be about this topic, but it just wasn't coming. Eventually, I just set it aside because it wasn't working... and moved on to other things and forgot about it. Mostly. It was simmering in the back of my mind. 

But, now I can write it and share it, because I realized why it wasn't working... well, only after I addressed what was keeping it from working, as I will share below! So, almost a year overdue, here is my final post on my series Strength From Within....

In the first post I talk about how Dr. Oz stated that each person's body changes every 7 years on a cellular level, leaving each of us as an entirely new person. I talk about how I struggled in my new body with Fibromyalgia and what I now had to do when faced with my new body- learn how to deal with the changes and find myself all over again.

In the second post I explained about having to grieve my losses and let myself feel all the negative emotions so that my heart could have emotional freedom.

I know now that I am more than my losses- I have emotional freedom in knowing that though I have lost or have limited abilities now, I have not lost who I really am inside. I just need to adjust how I do things.

In the third post I described a process I went through in how I decided to do something scary and face my fears and not let them take over my life. This took courage, but it changed my life and let me teach my son Reilly about being brave like his name describes.

In the fourth post I walked through some of how I have had to re-calibrate my thinking in recognizing what I have gained through Fibromyalgia- not always an easy thing to do!

In the fifth post I share a little as to how I reaffirmed my faith. It was a process that took a number of years, but has resulted in a faith in God that is strong and purified.

Through all of these posts I mentioned strength from within. I realized through these difficult processes, and many smaller ones I haven't mentioned, that these were not just aspects of finding strength, but they were processes I went through that used and exercised inner strength that I didn't know I already had. 

I should also mention this post where I realized that my superpower was running and hiding (not ones you want to have!), that I have been lying to myself, and that I have been waiting for life to begin when I really am already living it. These things were huge for me to realize! 

So, as you may have noticed, I have been thinking a lot this year! A big part of the reason why is because I am just really feeling a LOT better since I started taking Plexus supplements! I talk about this more in this post. Because I am feeling better, my brain is actually working! It is working so well that I have been having lots of things that God is showing me needs to change, several epiphanies (some of which I have mentioned and will some more in this post), and see so many more connections and patterns to things that I haven't been able to do in over five years now! My brain actually feels something like this...

Yes. And no, I am not exaggerating! 

So, with my brain working more, and life going on, I was reading one night a few months ago. Which, I tend to do. Kind of a lot. Usually. 

And I read this section in a fiction book about an artist. Her best friend, who manages her artwork in a gallery, was explaining how she had a specific voice to all her drawings.

She compared it to a photographer who chooses what is in focus and what isn't. What you choose to focus on is your voice and shows what's most important to you in art. Then she commented that you only figure out your voice when you know who you are and what's important to you in life.

This completely caught my attention! It may seem rather innocuous, but it led to one of the biggest epiphanies I've personally had in a very long time!

Ever since my second year of doing art in college I've been feeling frustrated with myself and the art I create. I felt like I was never satisfied and it wasn't right, so most of the time while I liked doing it I was frustrated. When I realized I didn't have enough money to go to an art school for further training I didn't feel like doing anything after that related to art- unless I had a specific goal or purpose for it, like an assignment in class or an idea that got stuck in my head to make for someone (which was rare).

This is why until the last few months only my family and a handful of friends really know that I have had any interest in art! It was just a jumble of painful emotions, and it was easier to just close it off and avoid it before. I hadn't really gone back to it since then because all that emotion was still there with it.

So, as I was reading this story, it was like a light bulb went on. I had previously read this book, but God must have had more to work out in me first because I didn't think a thought about it before. But now all the lights were on!

I was laying in bed later thinking about that and realizing that I didn't know and never did know what to focus on in my art. And I didn't know what to focus on because I didn't really know who I was, or what was important to me in life and art and everything. That was enlightening but a bit disheartening too.

But I wanted to try to figure this out! So after some mental visualizing of the art I did in the past and which ones made me more satisfied and which ones didn't, which pictures I've taken and things I've come across that spoke to me and which didn't, I realized what was important to me and why I was so frustrated before.

I kept thinking that the form of the subject was the important thing and it wasn't. Not to me. And most of the stuff that I did before was focusing on the form. The whole picture. The whole person. The whole landscape. The whole subject.

I realized what is important to me is the connection, the idea, the spark of what it is, what makes it/that person unique out of everything and everyone else!

So, I sat there crying at 4:30 in the morning (waking up my husband in the process and was then able to share it with him) because I was happy that I finally figured out who I am, and what was important to me in art and life, and also really sad that it had taken me 36 years to figure out, along with all the opportunities I had missed.

And my mind kept seeing different pictures in my head of what I wanted to do, exactly as I wanted to do it, for the first time in ever, which is something I had been trying to feel for just about all my life!

It felt freeing and amazing! In a way that is still really difficult to describe more than I have.

Now, you may be thinking this is awesome, amazing, or cool. I do! And this is why I couldn't write out the last post last year- because I had needed this experience!

But, what you don't know just by reading this is how it has affected every other aspect of my life. And you also don't know that this is just the first of two experiences I have had with this area of discovering who I am! You know those commercials where they say, "But, wait! There's more!"?

Yup! Just please hang in there with me because I'm about to get to something that could affect your life, or the life of someone you love, in a significant way!

See, what I may have alluded to in past posts but haven't really said outright is that I have not really ever felt completely happy or satisfied in my life in more than just a circumstantial in the moment way. I have felt content, I have felt thankful, I have felt moments of happiness and joy, but it rarely lasted long. There's always been something deep within me that just needed something more to get to that point.

And, I know if you are a Christian, some of you will be saying something to the effect of, "You just need to find your happiness in God." Which, while true, is not the most helpful thing for everyone in this situation. I'm sorry, but it isn't. Because it was and is frustratingly obvious to me that finding happiness in God is what I needed. But, I couldn't get there, and there ended up being a bunch of steps I needed to take to get to that point, which I mention later.

I know I'm not the only person to feel this deep sense of discontentment or unhappiness, because others have significantly changed their circumstances to try to be happy. But, after I got to a certain point (especially after my counseling classes), I knew that the circumstances were not what was causing the issue.

Not my husband, not my sons, not my family, not even my fibromyalgia.

No, the problem was not my circumstances. The problem was in me.

No amount of changing my circumstances would change it. Because even if I did, I would still be there... the constant in every circumstance.

I was the one that needed to change- not other people, not my circumstances.

So, after this totally awesome epiphany about art and who I am, I began to shift some things around inside and put them in their places to fit better in my life.

As I was doing so, I decided it was about time to look into personality types again- which I do just about every year because something new always jumps out at me!

And can I tell you how completely wonderful it was to be able to have my mind clear and defogged because I am feeling so much better!?! So many things make more sense when your mind can actually work the way it is supposed to!

Well, I was looking around the internet at all the awesomely cool things about my personality type (as well as all of your awesomely cool things about your personality types), and I noticed a whole bunch of things this time. I'll only mention the things that are relevant to this though!

My personality type is INFJ.

There are a lot of things going on for each personality type, just as in mine, so I'm not going to get into the details about my type here. However, if you want to read more, check out one of my current favorite sites for Myers Briggs personality types here (you can follow the links to yours as well if you know it), and you can browse lots of pins about INFJs on my pinterest board here (I also have boards for all the other personality types).

Overall as I was reading these and others about my personality type, I kept seeing all these connections and things that I knew, but didn't realize what they were or how they worked together or what it meant.

What is relevant about my personality type in this post is that INFJs feel fulfilled when they have a cause to champion- a goal that is bigger than they are to shoot for. Something that will benefit the world.

If an INFJ does not have a cause to champion, or a goal bigger than they are to shoot for, guess what happens?

They feel unfulfilled, unhappy, and keep searching for something- and they don't always know what they are searching for.

Hmmmm.....

This will not be the case for everyone who is unhappy in their life since we each have different personality types, but this is at the core of who I am as an INFJ- I am certain whatever is causing the unhappiness in others will be wrapped up in the core of who they are within their personality. I have seen this with others as well, not just me.

So, before this time I had been really struggling with my mindset in staying home with the boys. I couldn't do anything physically outside of home for a job or anything, but I still struggled with it. Because I kept feeling and thinking that there was something missing or something more I needed to be doing- that cause or goal.

Because of this a piece of my mind was most always somewhere else when I was around the boys and not able to enjoy them as much as I honestly wanted and definitely needed to.

But, after this I realized that, at least for the next few years, my cause and focus will be my boys- helping them to be the best boys and grow to be the best men that they can be; and my husband, supporting him to the best of my ability, even though it can be limited. In a more minor way it would also be to help others with personality issues and discoveries, and to help others find healthy lives with Plexus too.

This may seem completely obvious... wasn't I doing that already?

But it was just a shift in perspective that became pivotal in adjusting my attitude, my thinking, and my view on the world and my place in it. Before then I felt like I was out of place. Which is a big part of what kept me from finding my happiness in God. Now, I know where my place is!

The last thing that happened was in my relationship with God- during the women's retreat this year.

For years I have been only able to tell God, I trust you with my circumstances. Later, it was, I trust you with my circumstances and loved ones. But I haven't been able to say, I trust you with my inner self, with who I am and all that's inside me. 

It just felt like there was too much and it was too.... Just too. I guess I told myself that it was too much for God, but that was silly because nothing is too much for him. Maybe I just didn't want him messing around in there and I knew He would. Yup, much more likely. Still, I just couldn't bring myself to just open myself up and tell God that. 

Well, I was finally able to say that at the retreat. (Which was awesome! I smiled more at the retreat than I had in months!) It wasn't long, it wasn't a lot. Just an ok, God, here you are, you've got me and all of me.

I won't write out here all of what happened after that, but He made it clear to me that he had me, understood me, and was with me!

And, in opening myself up to God, I realized even more of who I am and what I am made of. That what I really need is to be centered in who I am and how God made me. And grounded in God and who he is.

That really is the best thing about having difficult life situations- it forces you to dive deep within yourself to find the strength to meet and overcome the circumstances. And if you have a relationship with God, it causes you to dive deep in your relationship with him as well.

I discovered who I am and how I am made.

I am made to dive deep in the waters of life, to make connections within how I and other people work so that I can understand myself and others; to feel everything those around me are experiencing so that we can connect and I can encourage others; to think about the complexities of the human experience and how to change it for better; to see the unique, the sparks in life, and the lovely, and know when others need help and how to help them.

Notice those are all other people oriented. And when I'm caught up in how I'm feeling with my fibromyalgia, and everything else I have going on, I'm not able to work well in the way I am made.

That is why I am soooo extremely thankful that I am able to feel well enough to actually look beyond me to see my family, friends, and those around me. To make more of a difference in their lives as I am made to be.

And I have that deep sense of happiness, in myself and in God. I didn't need to change my circumstances. I just needed to change me.

I am changing to become a better me.
I am more than my losses.
I am stronger than my fears.
I am transformed more in my thinking.
I am moving deeper into a stronger and unshakable faith.
I am understanding and discovering myself more every day.

I have strength from within.